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Snap This
Saturday, Feb. 14, 2004, 10:26 p.m.

QUESTION: Where’s the photographer?

WHAT I LEARNED: A roll of toilet tissue has many uses.

I went to a Valentine’s Day wedding this afternoon and it was very sweet and romantic. Just perfect. I am so delighted for my friend. It was such a relaxed and charming wedding and the perfect time of year for getting hitched. However, I was traumatized when the pictures came out. What pictures? - one may ask. Does this have anything to do with Janet Jackson? – another might inquire. I can only sigh, and think back to the wedding shower and the ideas that women who find themselves hosting said showers are drawn to make – good and bad and in-between.

Don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t miss a wedding shower for a dear friend even though these two words – fun games – may be uttered at any moment. I understand - and I really do - that the show must go on and guests must be invited, entertained, and fed. It's important to have a little fun and honor the bride-to-be before the big day. It's okay that we all had tell a room full of strangers about our very first kiss as one of the party events. However, I do wonder about how I came to be at a function where bridal gowns are created from toilet tissue and a little tape. Sounds funny – you might be tempted to say. Not if you one of the toilet tissue wedding gown models – I might suggest. Well okay, it is a little funny or even very funny. Do you know how ample the average woman can look festooned with toilet tissue? It’s not pretty. And how about making the poor bride to be dress blindfolded from a sack of clothes including some men’s whitie-tighties that looked though they’d seen the inside of somebody’s underwear drawer a few times. All the time, the hostess – who is not pulling on the Fruit of the Looms while blindfolded or sashaying around in a T-P dress herself - is snapping away with one of those little disposable cameras or perhaps she was coordinating the picture taking effort, such as it was. It’s her party. Take my picture.

Well, it was fun and all and I have to give snaps to any woman who is thoughtful enough to take on the burden of the wedding shower. I forgot about the spurt of photography going on during the shower festivities.

I mean how bad could those photos be anyway?

You know those issues of the tabloids where they show the really bad pictures of famous people. The this-is-how-bad-she-looks-when-she’s-not-quite-ready-for-the-camera photos. Yeah – it was that kind of bad – except I’m not rich, or famous, or without my makeup on at the time of said photographic episode. And how do I know about the character of the shower photos? Because they showed up at the wedding and quickly made the rounds of all the guests. Imagine my surprise when a couple of the most horrific pictures of myself that I have ever seen began floating around the table at the wedding reception - a big batch of Kodak moment shower memories. Oh, yes, everyone enjoyed them so much – how lucky to have one of those little disposable cameras at hand to capture the moment for posterity. I am only glad most of the people at the wedding didn’t know me at all. This, I thought, is one more reason to go digital and take your own photographs come hell or high water.

If only I had know how terrible those photographs were going to turn out, I would have pitched that little plastic camera out with the remnants of my paper wardrobe while all of us were snacking on hummus and crab dip and sipping Snapples, before you could say - CHEESE. The hostess would have been a little sad at first as we wandered aimlessly around the room looking for that clever little camera from the drugstore but I believe we would all have been the better for it in the end.

But this story has a happy ending. A long and sensible courtship based on friendship and kind hearts, a fairytale wedding for my friend and her new husband, and a new family for her two elementary school daughters to come home to everyday.

And professional photographers to capture the big day. Smart girl.

Today’s Suburban Strategy: Barbie goes solo and dangerous pantie raids...

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