Art or Just Plain Crap?
Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004, 10:44 p.m.

QUESTION: What is art?

WHAT I LEARNED: Look up.

The division of labor in any household can work in your favor or against it from one day to the next. Yesterday it worked for me.

Last night we were all pretty tired and so we decided to eat out. We had to meet my husband at the restaurant since he had to return the rental car we�ve had since my daughter was in a car accident that deprived her of wheels recently. I parked our family roadster - an artic white car - under a tree in the parking lot and in we went. It was a great parking space. It was as close as you could get to the restaurant without parking on the sidewalk. Hey, how�d we get so lucky?

Maybe it had to do with the tree and what was in the tree. What was in the tree? A lot of birds. This must have been a whole flock of flying, eating, pooping machines and they must have immediately kicked into major poop mode as soon as we left our vehicle to go inside. It must have been literally raining bird poop during our time in the restaurant because when we came out about 45 minutes later that car was covered in bird excrement. It was like some crazed artist had carefully decorated my white car with dark textured polka dots. I�m telling you the effect was carelessly precise. Damn birds.

It was scary to get back in the car. I thought maybe we had stumbled onto the set of Fear Factor except the host was hiding and we got no money for successfully accomplishing the task. The need to get home drove us onward and into the car with no further incident.

Guess who got to clean up the car?

My husband � that�s who.

He likes to wash the car. He likes to wash all the cars. In fact, he doesn�t want anyone else in the family to wash the cars lest they damage the finish on said cars or otherwise do damage to our family transportation system � such as it is � by careless washing, waxing, buffing or who knows what else.

Who am I to deprive him of on of his great pleasures in life?

Daddy�s still in the doghouse but mommy�s car is sparkling like a diamond.